:-)
Wish you weren’t anon. I wouldn’t kill myself. No the relationship was not worth the turmoil and I know that, but it hurt a lot. I was at a low point the night I wrote about those things and the night I was driving home. I’ve been in a dark place for a while now. I have my moments and it helps me to write. Thank you for reaching out to me though, you haven’t any idea how much it means to me.
I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING THAT REMINDS ME OF ANY OF YOU FUCKING PEOPLE. I just want to burn it down, this whole city. I want to tear you limb from limb. I am angry, yet calm as the wind. Although at times, wind is very nasty. I want to throw things at you. I want to tell you how ugly you are. I want you to feel me, my pain, my agony, my day to day routine. I think about you more than is okay. It’s not just you. You’re one of them. Then there is you, mother fucker. Why are you so shut off? Afraid to let anyone try to understand you. As soon as someone gets close, you run away. Coward? Or genius? God damn it, the song I’m listening to has someone gagging. Distracted. What the fuck is this? Okay, I changed it. I hate tonight. I hate everything I am, everything I stand for, everything that makes me, me. Thinking of me makes me think of everything I am not, everything I have lost, every mistake I have made, every thing I have given up, everything I have, everything I hate, everyone I have hurt, everyone who has hurt me, everything I want, everything I need, everything I should be and what I really am, which is nothing close. I don’t know what step to take next. I want to start over. I don’t like the people I am involving myself with. I have been doing drugs again. I had sex with someone I shouldn’t have. I am in a low place. Everyone is judging me. My doctor diagnosed me as manic-depressive, or in other words, bipolar. Great, another reason why nobody will ever take two seconds to love me. I’m too much for anyone to handle. I want a best friend. I want someone to turn to. I used to have that one person, in the back of my mind, always. The one you know you were going to tell about your day, but when I go to think of my one “go to” person, my mind goes blank. I have never held onto friends longer than 4 years. That’s kind of my record. I am not a good friend. I worry too much, in fact, I care more than is at all necessary and that pushes people away. I smother people. I love deeply. I love unconditionally and without boundaries. I love with my whole heart and nothing less. I tear down my walls for people. My walls are broken. My glass is shattered. I am broken. I am weak. I am sad. I have been acting like I’m okay, but I am not anymore. I see the people I once loved and I shut down. I’ve never been so broken in my entire life. I’ve self medicated my brain away in the past month so deeply that I forgot what the day was and where I was when I woke up today. I was driving home from a rave the other night. Not in my entire life have I ever wanted to die more than that moment there in that car on that night. The thought of my car flying off the side of the cliff, smashing, crashing, falling and burning up sounded so good. I wanted to, but I could not. I was waiting for someone else to hit me. Have you ever wanted to die? I have not. Not until this week. I don’t see a future for myself anymore. I see nothing but false hopes, forced love, dead ends and disappointment. I lost the joy in this life. No, not because I lost a fucking boy. He better not take credit for my disposition. I am sad not because he left me, but because it has been gone for a long time now, my joy that is. I don’t have that one thing that makes me tick, purr, ring, flutter, blaze, thrive or smile. I haven’t had anything constant in my life besides my family, but they are a haze to me. They can so easily tell me how much of a waste of space I am and never feel remorse for the way they hurt me. How on Earth can the person that is supposed to love you more than anyone else, sit there and tell you things that nobody else has ever had the guts to tell you? Those things you know are wrong with you, but nobody wanted to mention? The fact that I have been sleeping unbelievable hours lately has really unsettled me. I dyed my hair dark brown and people have told me how terrible it looks. Who says things like that? How can someone sit there and point fingers the way they do? Disregard their own flaws and exaggerate yours? I want to puke. I ate one thing today. Fucking cheezy bread. I want water, copious amounts of water. I have made so many mistakes this month. I have lost 15 pounds. I look great. I know I do, but why do I feel so sick, so ugly and so sad? I have nothing to fall back on. I have myself and the choices I make. I am so terrified right now. I don’t want to continue down this road. I see two possibilities for me as of now, one which I would never wish upon anyone and the other looks a bit brighter. I know things always get better. I have no idea why I sit here and contemplate the things that I do. I tell others “It gets better”, yet I never take my own words to heart. Nobody will read this. Nobody will care two seconds long enough to understand the things you are feeling right now, Harley. You only have you. And your puppy, who happens to love you under absolutely no conditions. That’s what you need to focus on. Go be who you want to be, go love who you want to love, go see the things in this world that nobody wants you to see, go experience your lows, go learn your ways, go feel those feelings, go do the things completely necessary but most of all, go find yourself. Make it snappy too, we haven’t got all day.
